Contentment
I noticed my recent posts have shifted towards things I learn rather than things going on in my life, and my perspective of the world. In my very first post, I wrote:
“I'm doing this for fun, and I want to share my ideas and knowledge with others. Who knows how many people will see this?” —James Lee, March 2025
So this post will be a bit more personal.
I’ve recently felt much more content with my life, especially when compared to a little over a year ago. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say I was pretty miserable my junior year, and now that I’m a senior, I’m still taking difficult, intensive classes, but I’m enjoying myself a lot more. And when I try to reflect on what has changed, I can’t really pin down anything specific. All I get is an overall air of contentment with seemingly no explanation, but I can try to come up with one as coherently as I can.
Eudaimonia
The main, obvious change in my life is that I’m now done with college applications. I’ve finished writing the essays, and any further activities I do will not get sent to colleges I applied to. I think this has contributed greatly to my overall well-being. Not having something constantly nagging me in the back of my mind has felt extremely liberating. Before, I not only worried about schoolwork and extracurriculars, but a non-trivial chunk of my energy was spent worrying about making my college application “package” more impressive. Now, it feels like marking a three-and-a-half-year task complete on a to-do list, and finally being able to remove that entry. I think I feel less guilty and upset when I do something purely for myself, and I no longer pressure myself to do things for the sake of college. (I think the hype around so-called “top colleges” is far too overblown and negatively affects most people who get caught up in it, but I can talk about that some other time.)
I think a second, more subtle difference is that I’ve just been more busy. I started this blog a little under a year ago, and I‘ve spent more time on hobbies—things I genuinely enjoy rather than things I do to put on a resumé or an application. I’m writing longer blog posts, continuing to study Japanese (日本語の勉強は難しいが、まだ勉強していますよ！), reading more books, and doing a variety of smaller side quests (working out, building a static site, skiing, table tennis, etc.) I’m certainly grateful that I have more time to do these things (maybe that’s another factor?) and I think removing the pressure of having to spend your time on something that you think nets enough benefit is so relieving.
Maybe it’s because I find these activities fulfilling and challenging that they’re having a positive impact on my mood. I’ve found that the happiness I get from these activities is very different from the fleeting amusement I got from scrolling Instagram Reels. It feels more lasting; it feels less like I’m giving in to hedonistic desires and more like I’m doing something more purposeful and more impactful. Maybe APUSH’s insane workload and stressing about college made me miserable, and I’m just regaining the youthful joy I had when I was a child.
But who knows? I’m just trying to reify my experiences over the past year.
Life Update!
I know these posts are coming out late, but I’m trying to get them out, I promise! Maybe it has to do with the average length gradually increasing, but I honestly don’t know.
I’ve had an insanely difficult physics test, Science Olympiad regionals, and skiing for the first time in ages. I don’t get why rotation is so hard to understand. I don’t understand why something as simple as a cylinder rolling down a ramp would be so difficult for me to comprehend, but we pulled through.
Also, I forgot how fun skiing moguls was, and how annoying icy slopes were. I could feel my brain trying to process in real-time the best way to get down the slope. Other than a random nosebleed I got which resulted in painting the snow red and a stranger handing me a napkin (there was blood all over my lower face), it was incredibly fun. I skied a black slope for the first time in ages despite parental advice against doing so, and it felt incredible.
Finals are next week though. We’ll see how it goes.
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