External Discipline
A few weeks ago, I wrote a post called “External Validation” where I talked about why we do things to earn the validation of other people. This one is a bit different; I’ve been thinking about how a child’s upbringing affects them as they grow older.
Many children are subjected to their parents’ desires, whether it’s going to swimming practice every day or being forced to study. This controlling behavior is often done with good intentions, usually to instill positive habits and discipline in the child. However, what are initially actions done in good faith and for the child’s benefit can often turn into resentment, frustration, and little to no improvement in the child’s behavior. What happens in between the action and the result that causes this disparity? Why is it that external discipline fails long-term, even when the child complies?
Punishment
To evaluate why external discipline is ineffective, we can observe what happens in someone with internal discipline. When you have an interest in something, such as studying a foreign language, you’ll naturally devote time to becoming proficient in said thing. On some days, you’ll feel less motivation to make progress, but it doesn’t take an unreasonable amount of effort to work towards proficiency even when you don’t feel like it. The reasoning behind studying is clear and obvious, and as a result, you feel good after studying and the behavior is positively reinforced.
The key difference between internal and external discipline is the reasoning behind the actions. My parents took my brother and I to swim practice every day up until I was fourteen years old. (I believe my best 50 free time was around 35 seconds, which wasn’t bad, but it was near the bottom of my swim club. It was very demotivating.) For over an hour every weekday, I would swim and do drills, all while wishing I didn’t have to swim and I could just be at home. I was aware of the health benefits of swimming, but it still felt like a waste of time because in my mind, the only reason I was there was to not upset my parents. With external discipline, you’re forced to do things without sufficient reasoning behind them. Instead of reinforcement, external discipline uses a threat of punishment to discipline you, which does nothing to reinforce the behavior. So while external discipline may make you behave, it does nothing for you besides build resentment in the long run.
Desire
Self-discipline isn’t an innate skill; it has to be learned. And this isn’t easy, especially for people who grew up in a controlling household. We’re constantly being told what we want by other people, whether it’s by parents, friends, or even third-party cookies. Maybe it’s beneficial to take a step back and think about what you truly desire. Maybe finding the reasoning behind why you want to be disciplined would be useful. And then the discipline follows, not without effort, but certainly with more long-lasting effects.
Life Update!
With my fall semester of school being over, it feels like a weight has been lifted, only to be replaced with another weight. Yes, I finished my classes and kept my grades up, but I still don’t have any free time because of college applications. MIT and Harvard alone have five essays each, and it seems like I will have to spend my entire winter break grinding college essays. My family is going on a vacation to Las Vegas for a week, and I can’t go with them. I also have to stay home by myself for Christmas, which is unfortunate, but I don’t mind that much.
I recently had an interview for NSLI-Y (a study-abroad scholarship) after making it to the semifinalist phase, and I’m extremely nervous. The interview was good, other than Microsoft Teams being uncooperative, and my interviewer was very kind. I want to become a finalist so badly, and I hate how I have to wait until around March to receive any updates. I think an academic year in Taiwan would be SO beneficial, especially since my Chinese is subpar, and I’d love to be able to communicate with my family beyond basic conversations. But everything that’s within my power has been done, and now it’s up to the NSLI-Y committee to decide whether or not I get accepted. We’ll see what happens.
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